xx

I've got the XX's album pretty much on constant repeat these days, interspersed with girls singing about boys. Xx is how I sign my texts to him (and plenty of other people too, so this means nothing, really).

I wrote some more of my story today. It's about being lost in a place where you should be secure. It's all too close to life to be read by anyone I think.

I think I am only able to work on it when I am feeling okay though. When I am miserable I cannot see beyond that moment, dramatic and mired. I feel better this week, like I touched the ground days ago and am now looking up, again.

Kiss, kiss.

worry

I am one of life's worriers. EA once told me there is a worry gene; she was celebrating the fact that she doesn't appear to have it.

I am worried I will not get the job I have an interview for this week. I am worried about what I will do if I do not. I want it, badly. I should stop telling people I have interviews, as the way I feel when I fail and have to pass the bad news on is becoming too much.

I am worried about the fact that I still don't feel right, even though the "bad" couple of months are now ostensibly in the past. I know this is chiefly down to my unemployment, but when all I need is a hug and it's out of reach I can't help but fret over how shit this is, sometimes.

Going home today. My sister is graduating tomorrow. I can't believe it's two years since I did.

party

I am pretty exhausted after a weekend spent with my family. My Big Fat Greek Family, no less, at a Big Fat Greek Wedding. I successfully forgot every name I was told. Everyone told me I look like my Auntie Thora (actually my father's cousin), and I do, it is true. We ate lamb. We pinned money on the bride and groom and danced in a circle. At a guess there were 350 people at the wedding, and plenty of people were missing. Greeks do not do celebrations by halves.

And now I am listening to Coeur de Pirate and drinking a glass of wine and I really want to go to bed obscenely early. It's going to be a busy week, though mostly happy and with another celebration next weekend.

at last

I feel I understand a little of how circumstance can destroy any relationship. I've not ever felt as low and helpless as I did on Friday, when I cried quietly down the phone. He was just as miserable. But eventually, at last, he walked through the door late that evening and we ate risotto outside and then went to the French wine bar I've been meaning to take him to forever. It felt like a holiday.

We've been to Hyde Park both Saturday and Sunday. London was so, so hot yesterday, sticky and humid and brightly pulsing. We ate at the Criterion and drank at another favourite French bar (La Boheme on Old Compton Street). We talked about everything apart from work.

I love London the most in the sunshine. The heat makes the tube almost unbearable, punishment by travel, but the weather gives the city such life. I am happier now than I have been in two months.