pinch

My exams are in less than two weeks. In two and a half, I will be back at work. I can't wait; for the challenge, for the elated exhaustion of doing a job really well.

I also can't wait for the inevitable weight loss. I'm a bit disgusted at myself, which upsets me more than the extra pounds really. I'm by no means huge, I'm just a little heavier than I like to be. I don't like this mindset, where I avoid mirrors and obsess over my waist measurement.

I accepted that I'd always struggle with my weight several years ago, now. I've been 81 kilos; I've been 59. I'm probably about 62 at the moment (I don't want to get on the scale).

At just 5'3", three kilos make a lot of difference. At 59 I am pretty much a size eight (not in jeans), waist measurement of about 27 inches. At 62 I am a solid size ten, waist measurement of about 29 inches. I am quite a muscular girl; I build it quickly, and my legs are as solid as they were a year ago, when I did strength work regularly. My core strength has gone to shit, though; an hour's yoga leaves me shaking where six months ago, even, I'd have done an hour and a half and felt invigorated.

Ugh, even the fat rant makes me feel angry with myself. Why am I whinging about half a stone when I was once twelve and a half? I know how hard it is to lose weight, and to keep it off.

And, it's Easter Sunday. Christos anesti; alithos anesti. I hope you are celebrating with friends, family or chocolate, or in any way that makes you happy.

and finally

Some good news.

My boy is moving to London, in August. We house hunt lazily, drifting past windows and fantasising about what we'd have, if we could afford it.

I can't wait.

weekend

Friday is always just a little bit magical, don't you think? Waking up in the knowledge that tomorrow is a lie in, that work today will be paper shifting and gossip.

Still, Saturday lunchtime is the perfect moment for me; the time when school achingly drew to a close, now the time when I sit with the newspapers and a glass of wine, lazily sketching in half known answers in the general knowledge crossword.

hefty

I weighed 59 kilos when I had my accident in December (I remember being grateful for this as the man who saved my life hauled me bodily onto the platform). I've since barely been to the gym (laziness born from broken routine) and I've been eating wantonly. Hello, three extra kilos.

Bizarrely this used to be my "happy weight". It certainly seems to be where my body settles when I'm neither working too hard at being slim or ignoring it entirely. I don't know why my attitude has shifted. My therapist would probably say it's something to do with getting back to where I was before the accident.

numerate

The benefit of suffering another day of accounting tuition is the knowledge there is one less to go. Air conditioned horrors of white painted classrooms, hands stained with biro.

The colleague to the right offers a finished answer, eyebrow raised. No point, no point; I cannot translate.

Misery of mathematical memory. My self worth takes a battering.

things acquired free in the last two weeks

A bag of soya products (revolting).
A man's razor (new).
Blackberry Torch (!)
Rescue Remedy chewing gum (as weird as it sounds).
Knowledge that I will barely scrape through the accountancy exam I am taking in May.

Ooh! There's a new Kitsune album out. Excuse me.

early

It's half seven and I am asleep, curled on my side after a late bedtime. He nudges me awake, hands on my back, and I slither over into his arms, what's wrong?

Those worries you have before the day gets truly light are the worst, grey sadness, limbo of pre-action. We drift in and out of sleep until the room is brighter.

I wait and wait for the weekend where he won't leave on Sunday, where we won't hold these concerns (just others) between us in the stillness of the morning. Where we have all week (all life) and he won't wake so early, so sad.

vday #3

(last year here)

Yesterday we spent the day in Kensington, visiting the Natural History Museum and Kitchen W8, then lazily browsing the shops in the clearest, sunniest weather we've had since before Christmas. It was decadent and perfect, and it went all too fast.

I suppose it isn't surprising a day disappears at such a rate when I can barely believe it's two years since we drove to Tintern Abbey, eating chocolate all the way. I love thinking of moments in those first few months, the fizz of excitement being with someone new and wonderful (and I still get excited, every Friday, every time I know I'm going to see him) and how I knew, smiling at him by the tube stop on the Goldhawk Road, that it would last. And, oh, how I hope that whatever happens in these next months we will still feel this way.

Since I last wrote an awful lot has happened and as a result of a terrible accident I have post-traumatic stress symptoms. Life has been pretty fucking awful. Things are much better (counselling and supportive friends and family; and him, of course, his constant mopping of tears and telephone calls) but I'm not myself. It's an odd existence.

I am also trying to fit the puzzle pieces of our lives together, we are both trying. I will never stop trying.

update of sorts

I'm still here, lurking (not sure you can lurk on your own blog, though).

I'm sick after a month of dodging the flu going around the office, sick on my day off, sick for the weekend I was meant to be in Edinburgh. Of course I am.

I am terrible at taking time to rest, so, today, I have forced myself to do it. Sofa, blanket, TV, laptop. My job is quite demanding in terms of hours and brain power, though nothing as mad the time and energy my lawyer friends put in at their offices. I'm looking forward to the Christmas break.

I have enjoyed it though, for the most part. There are days that are beyond miserable, but that's true of any job, any life. I am not a corporate girl in the long run, that much is clear, but I guess I knew that, anyway.

So much else has happened that I can't talk about yet. But the thing that has emerged more than anything in the last three months is that I need to take more time for myself; I need to write more, if I am ever going to be anything I'm proud to be. And, I need to take more time to be with my friends.

Merry Christmas. It's unlikely I'll check in before then, as we know.

the thing is

By Ellen Bass

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

here we go

The first two days of work have been full of new faces and new rules to learn. It's Big School all over again.

I haven't been very well.

new

I start my job on Monday. I am not sure I am supposed to write on the internet, any more.

I saw Miss McG today. South Kensington is a strange place, for me. One of my favourite weekends in London since I've lived here was spent at the Natural History museum (probably my favourite museum building), visiting the Darwin centre and skating on the ice rink. I didn't fall until we clambered out of our skates, slipping on a metal ramp. He still has the tickets pinned to his board, above his desk. I remember what I wore; checked skirt, warm jumper, furry hat.

Today we arrived too late for museums, so settled for coffee swamped with chocolate. September is a nostalgic month for me; for many, I think. It is five years since I went to university.

I am home alone, drinking red wine, remembering.

chill

Brr. It feels like autumn crept in while I was in the gym this morning. I have a jumper and slippers on. I find it weird when the weather gets like this before my birthday; the August bank holiday is still summer, really.

But! It is going to be 40 degrees in Spain on Friday, so says the BBC.

I'm so sleepy. Want to eat junk food and watch rubbish on TV under a blanket. Definitely caused by this weird weather.

look up and on

We are finally going on holiday on Thursday. And! I have a job to return to in September! And I am listening to Kurran and the Wolfnotes (as recommended by superfiona, hurrah for good music) and it is sunny (probably only for two minutes but oh, well).

Sunday night I drank too much on an empty stomach. This summer has been quite wine fuelled. I'm cutting back. I want to shift the five pounds I've gained, le sigh, from the increased partying and decreased gym time. This kind of happens automatically when term time rolls around again (does it ever stop feeling like "back to school"?) but I'm not often patient with weight loss.

Lots of admin to do for my new job. Glad all the necessary paperwork arrived before I go away.

tight

Wow, I am tired. I don't think I've slept really well in weeks. My shoulders are so tense.

Wrote a much longer post about stress but I can't publish it. I am feeling pretty crap. I am not sure what happens next.

Three weeks until we go away.

xx

I've got the XX's album pretty much on constant repeat these days, interspersed with girls singing about boys. Xx is how I sign my texts to him (and plenty of other people too, so this means nothing, really).

I wrote some more of my story today. It's about being lost in a place where you should be secure. It's all too close to life to be read by anyone I think.

I think I am only able to work on it when I am feeling okay though. When I am miserable I cannot see beyond that moment, dramatic and mired. I feel better this week, like I touched the ground days ago and am now looking up, again.

Kiss, kiss.

worry

I am one of life's worriers. EA once told me there is a worry gene; she was celebrating the fact that she doesn't appear to have it.

I am worried I will not get the job I have an interview for this week. I am worried about what I will do if I do not. I want it, badly. I should stop telling people I have interviews, as the way I feel when I fail and have to pass the bad news on is becoming too much.

I am worried about the fact that I still don't feel right, even though the "bad" couple of months are now ostensibly in the past. I know this is chiefly down to my unemployment, but when all I need is a hug and it's out of reach I can't help but fret over how shit this is, sometimes.

Going home today. My sister is graduating tomorrow. I can't believe it's two years since I did.

party

I am pretty exhausted after a weekend spent with my family. My Big Fat Greek Family, no less, at a Big Fat Greek Wedding. I successfully forgot every name I was told. Everyone told me I look like my Auntie Thora (actually my father's cousin), and I do, it is true. We ate lamb. We pinned money on the bride and groom and danced in a circle. At a guess there were 350 people at the wedding, and plenty of people were missing. Greeks do not do celebrations by halves.

And now I am listening to Coeur de Pirate and drinking a glass of wine and I really want to go to bed obscenely early. It's going to be a busy week, though mostly happy and with another celebration next weekend.

at last

I feel I understand a little of how circumstance can destroy any relationship. I've not ever felt as low and helpless as I did on Friday, when I cried quietly down the phone. He was just as miserable. But eventually, at last, he walked through the door late that evening and we ate risotto outside and then went to the French wine bar I've been meaning to take him to forever. It felt like a holiday.

We've been to Hyde Park both Saturday and Sunday. London was so, so hot yesterday, sticky and humid and brightly pulsing. We ate at the Criterion and drank at another favourite French bar (La Boheme on Old Compton Street). We talked about everything apart from work.

I love London the most in the sunshine. The heat makes the tube almost unbearable, punishment by travel, but the weather gives the city such life. I am happier now than I have been in two months.

home again

Getting out of bed yesterday was awful. I don't remember jet lag like that since I visted New Zealand in 2005. I feel less spaced today, and my sense of taste seems to have returned. Long haul really fucks with your mind and body.

So, wow, LA. People keep asking what it was like; was it what you expected? Kind of. I expected the writers and film guys and movie chat (which was fun). The people and the food and the things going on in the city are incredible; the place itself, a bit odd. I am used to London's busy flow of people. Everyone is in a car in LA. Public transport barely exists. I am lucky to know someone who was willing to show me around and take me to cool places. If you went on your own and without a car it would be pretty miserable.

Incredible things: watching Invasion of the Body Snatchers at the Hollywood Cemetery; Gogol Bordello at the Mayan Theatre (weird website); Anthropologie; Harold Lloyd silent shorts at the Cinefamily cinema; the Hollywood sign and the observatory building; the Korean BBQ truck (they gave us - three girls, admittedly - free food); the Cabazon Dinosaurs; the Ace Motel at Palm Springs; the iced coffee drinks at Koffi, also in Palm Springs; so much more... I'll write about some of it in more detail next time.

LA made me miss London, which was a shock. I have suddenly fallen in love with the city I live in.