at last

I feel I understand a little of how circumstance can destroy any relationship. I've not ever felt as low and helpless as I did on Friday, when I cried quietly down the phone. He was just as miserable. But eventually, at last, he walked through the door late that evening and we ate risotto outside and then went to the French wine bar I've been meaning to take him to forever. It felt like a holiday.

We've been to Hyde Park both Saturday and Sunday. London was so, so hot yesterday, sticky and humid and brightly pulsing. We ate at the Criterion and drank at another favourite French bar (La Boheme on Old Compton Street). We talked about everything apart from work.

I love London the most in the sunshine. The heat makes the tube almost unbearable, punishment by travel, but the weather gives the city such life. I am happier now than I have been in two months.

home again

Getting out of bed yesterday was awful. I don't remember jet lag like that since I visted New Zealand in 2005. I feel less spaced today, and my sense of taste seems to have returned. Long haul really fucks with your mind and body.

So, wow, LA. People keep asking what it was like; was it what you expected? Kind of. I expected the writers and film guys and movie chat (which was fun). The people and the food and the things going on in the city are incredible; the place itself, a bit odd. I am used to London's busy flow of people. Everyone is in a car in LA. Public transport barely exists. I am lucky to know someone who was willing to show me around and take me to cool places. If you went on your own and without a car it would be pretty miserable.

Incredible things: watching Invasion of the Body Snatchers at the Hollywood Cemetery; Gogol Bordello at the Mayan Theatre (weird website); Anthropologie; Harold Lloyd silent shorts at the Cinefamily cinema; the Hollywood sign and the observatory building; the Korean BBQ truck (they gave us - three girls, admittedly - free food); the Cabazon Dinosaurs; the Ace Motel at Palm Springs; the iced coffee drinks at Koffi, also in Palm Springs; so much more... I'll write about some of it in more detail next time.

LA made me miss London, which was a shock. I have suddenly fallen in love with the city I live in.

LA

LA is not like any other place I've ever been. I don't think I could ever live here.
I am not thin or cool enough, for a start.

(Determined to drop 10 pounds when I get home).

More when I return to the UK.

fly

It has been a really tough two weeks. I am going away tomorrow for ten days, to stay with my amazing friend AL who I haven't seen in three years. I am excited though utterly exhausted, having spent last night at a ball in Cambridge that was boozy and wonderful and sparkly and full of music and dancing. I haven't seen him relax like that in so long and it was so good to just be together, happy.

When I come home I am hoping we can move away from the stress. He will have finished the piece of work that is causing so many headaches and travel always gives me perspective.

It will be very weird not to hear his voice. We talk every night. The time difference will make that impossible.

wound

I have felt terribly sad for about two weeks now. It is getting really wearing and I am scared I will not stop feeling like this.

I feel hurt, betrayed, unhappy, lost, uninspired, abandoned. There is no cure but time. Talking about it might help but I feel so utterly foolish, I cannot really bring myself to.

And this only makes it worse because spending time pretending I feel okay is exhausting.

mixing

Quite without prompting I made my housemate a CD a few weeks ago. I also did the other housemate's laundry this morning, which prompted a guilt-fest about how I really should stop interfering with household tasks that aren't mine to do. Anyway. The CD was made in response to some music the first housemate was listening to. I labelled it "cool" music (note ironic quote marks) and made both housemates listen to it the night of the election while playing Scrabble and drinking wine. We are hip and urban, oh yes.

When I told my boyfriend what I'd done he got all pouty and wanted a CD of his own. I made him one, as one must always do with new other-halves, over a year ago, when we first got together. To my knowledge he has listened to it once, out of politeness. It is too "cool", I think. Anyway I am trying to make another but it is turning into a tour of my own musical history, rather than anything that features interesting new stuff I've bought recently. Any musical suggestions my dears?

Also - hello lawyer-person from Freshfields who found my blog through Google. That scared the life out of me until I remembered I haven't ever applied for Freshfields.

three

The third anniversary of my fall sort of passed me by. I forgot all about it on the day, but I realised I'd missed it last week yet haven't written. It feels a bit false reflecting for the sake of it. Though that's often the way I spend time, thinking for the sake of thinking. Let's leave it, for now. The year has been wonderful. It has been full of change.

I am tired after the joys of Eurovision last night and I am at a bit of a loss as to how to tell you about the last few weeks. Since Easter life has got progressively more stressful and it isn't going to let up until the end of June. The next month might be pretty fucking miserable in patches, actually, but I have at least come to the conclusion that it won't RUIN EVERYTHING (with wringing of apron and mad stare) and that life will continue.

Also, June is full of amazing things to anticipate, so I will cease to be grumpy about the stress and just get a decent night's sleep and look forward to the bright moments.