grr

So, for reasons unknown, I've been behaving like a total bitch recently. I thought it was exam stress, but, no, exams are done now. Overtired? Certainly, but that doesn't account for being a twat last night. Or on Friday, over a sodding dress. What the hell.

Just resolving to get on with it and stop being ridiculous. I think it's the change thing, sad all over again at a departure that isn't my own. (But it is, in a way, losing all connection to the city I love better than any other).

...

Working a law firm in Bristol for the week. Loved the first day, and I hadn't expected to. I was awake until gone five am worrying about it. See, ridiculous.

er

So, aren't I the bitch.

I was wrong about all of that post below. So totally, utterly wrong that I am cringing, still. I suppose I have (re) learned my lesson about how stress affects me, how badly I cope when I'm not sleeping enough.

I was right about one thing; that I should have been honest, and said what I was thinking, because the explanation was innocuous and then I would never have been so upset in the first place.

Ugh. Still learning.

honesty part one

I made this resolution sometime early this year, that I'd be more honest, try my hardest to say what I mean instead of what I should be saying. It is an attempt to stop that weird twisted fucking stupid dishonesty I seem to practise in my relationships, false smiles hiding swelling resentment.

Sometimes it works. Fuck, isn't it utopian, that place where we all "communicate" and no one has to be a fucking mind reader.

I'm pissed off because I made a connection I wasn't supposed to make, but you forget, I listen. I am a very good listener. I remember. I am pissed off because it makes rise memories of trust betrayed, memory that floats, anger at being taken to be too stupid to see, or to care.

I am unreasonably upset. I equate emotion with unreasonableness (fuck, legal speak) and I always will. I hate the Well You Are A Girl rotting trotted out. I am not A Girl, I am A Human.

Fuck. Fuck.

and another

I went out last night, and danced in a club with a sticky floor and a weird DJ. It was spontaneous and funny and oh my, I really haven't heard a set list like that since a long gone family wedding.

We were celebrating a friend's birthday. A year ago I wrote about her twenty first, and reading that post now I remember the fizz of happiness I felt that weekend. I didn't think things could get any better, and I was right, in a way. The last weeks in Bristol were wonderful, but they were also heartbreaking.

And so, it is now two years since my fall. This year has been interesting. The oddest thing is that I haven't left the country since August. I am on the verge of booking flights for a summer holiday, and I cannot wait to feel the heat of Spain. Law has been, er, a melodramatic transition. I have met someone pretty incredible.

It has been a good year.

possibly submitted it in a drunken stupor

Just got an e-mail from a law firm thanking me for my application, and letting me know they'd be contacting me soon with a decision.

I do not remember submitting this application.

I wonder what was on it.

maverick

http://beatonna.livejournal.com/74943.html

Pimms and an early night to doze in front of Maverick and Goose. He nudges me awake during 'select homoerotic scenes' (his words, not mine).

The movie finishes and he turns the laptop off. I look up from the bed and he is wearing aviators. I laugh until my stomach aches and he kisses me to shut me up.

sharp

A favourite blogger has been describing her break up. Her experience wrenches horrible familiarity in me.

I am too scared to write about him, despite eighteen months distance.

I am exhausted today. I have been short with my flatmates all week. I cannot concentrate.

I wrote more than this, originally. I cannot post it. Perhaps this will be catharsis enough.