Friday, 17 December 2010

update of sorts

I'm still here, lurking (not sure you can lurk on your own blog, though).

I'm sick after a month of dodging the flu going around the office, sick on my day off, sick for the weekend I was meant to be in Edinburgh. Of course I am.

I am terrible at taking time to rest, so, today, I have forced myself to do it. Sofa, blanket, TV, laptop. My job is quite demanding in terms of hours and brain power, though nothing as mad the time and energy my lawyer friends put in at their offices. I'm looking forward to the Christmas break.

I have enjoyed it though, for the most part. There are days that are beyond miserable, but that's true of any job, any life. I am not a corporate girl in the long run, that much is clear, but I guess I knew that, anyway.

So much else has happened that I can't talk about yet. But the thing that has emerged more than anything in the last three months is that I need to take more time for myself; I need to write more, if I am ever going to be anything I'm proud to be. And, I need to take more time to be with my friends.

Merry Christmas. It's unlikely I'll check in before then, as we know.

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

the thing is

By Ellen Bass

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

here we go

The first two days of work have been full of new faces and new rules to learn. It's Big School all over again.

I haven't been very well.

Thursday, 16 September 2010


I start my job on Monday. I am not sure I am supposed to write on the internet, any more.

I saw Miss McG today. South Kensington is a strange place, for me. One of my favourite weekends in London since I've lived here was spent at the Natural History museum (probably my favourite museum building), visiting the Darwin centre and skating on the ice rink. I didn't fall until we clambered out of our skates, slipping on a metal ramp. He still has the tickets pinned to his board, above his desk. I remember what I wore; checked skirt, warm jumper, furry hat.

Today we arrived too late for museums, so settled for coffee swamped with chocolate. September is a nostalgic month for me; for many, I think. It is five years since I went to university.

I am home alone, drinking red wine, remembering.

Wednesday, 25 August 2010


Brr. It feels like autumn crept in while I was in the gym this morning. I have a jumper and slippers on. I find it weird when the weather gets like this before my birthday; the August bank holiday is still summer, really.

But! It is going to be 40 degrees in Spain on Friday, so says the BBC.

I'm so sleepy. Want to eat junk food and watch rubbish on TV under a blanket. Definitely caused by this weird weather.

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

look up and on

We are finally going on holiday on Thursday. And! I have a job to return to in September! And I am listening to Kurran and the Wolfnotes (as recommended by superfiona, hurrah for good music) and it is sunny (probably only for two minutes but oh, well).

Sunday night I drank too much on an empty stomach. This summer has been quite wine fuelled. I'm cutting back. I want to shift the five pounds I've gained, le sigh, from the increased partying and decreased gym time. This kind of happens automatically when term time rolls around again (does it ever stop feeling like "back to school"?) but I'm not often patient with weight loss.

Lots of admin to do for my new job. Glad all the necessary paperwork arrived before I go away.

Thursday, 5 August 2010


Wow, I am tired. I don't think I've slept really well in weeks. My shoulders are so tense.

Wrote a much longer post about stress but I can't publish it. I am feeling pretty crap. I am not sure what happens next.

Three weeks until we go away.

Thursday, 29 July 2010


I've got the XX's album pretty much on constant repeat these days, interspersed with girls singing about boys. Xx is how I sign my texts to him (and plenty of other people too, so this means nothing, really).

I wrote some more of my story today. It's about being lost in a place where you should be secure. It's all too close to life to be read by anyone I think.

I think I am only able to work on it when I am feeling okay though. When I am miserable I cannot see beyond that moment, dramatic and mired. I feel better this week, like I touched the ground days ago and am now looking up, again.

Kiss, kiss.

Tuesday, 20 July 2010


I am one of life's worriers. EA once told me there is a worry gene; she was celebrating the fact that she doesn't appear to have it.

I am worried I will not get the job I have an interview for this week. I am worried about what I will do if I do not. I want it, badly. I should stop telling people I have interviews, as the way I feel when I fail and have to pass the bad news on is becoming too much.

I am worried about the fact that I still don't feel right, even though the "bad" couple of months are now ostensibly in the past. I know this is chiefly down to my unemployment, but when all I need is a hug and it's out of reach I can't help but fret over how shit this is, sometimes.

Going home today. My sister is graduating tomorrow. I can't believe it's two years since I did.

Monday, 19 July 2010


I am pretty exhausted after a weekend spent with my family. My Big Fat Greek Family, no less, at a Big Fat Greek Wedding. I successfully forgot every name I was told. Everyone told me I look like my Auntie Thora (actually my father's cousin), and I do, it is true. We ate lamb. We pinned money on the bride and groom and danced in a circle. At a guess there were 350 people at the wedding, and plenty of people were missing. Greeks do not do celebrations by halves.

And now I am listening to Coeur de Pirate and drinking a glass of wine and I really want to go to bed obscenely early. It's going to be a busy week, though mostly happy and with another celebration next weekend.

Sunday, 11 July 2010

at last

I feel I understand a little of how circumstance can destroy any relationship. I've not ever felt as low and helpless as I did on Friday, when I cried quietly down the phone. He was just as miserable. But eventually, at last, he walked through the door late that evening and we ate risotto outside and then went to the French wine bar I've been meaning to take him to forever. It felt like a holiday.

We've been to Hyde Park both Saturday and Sunday. London was so, so hot yesterday, sticky and humid and brightly pulsing. We ate at the Criterion and drank at another favourite French bar (La Boheme on Old Compton Street). We talked about everything apart from work.

I love London the most in the sunshine. The heat makes the tube almost unbearable, punishment by travel, but the weather gives the city such life. I am happier now than I have been in two months.

Monday, 28 June 2010

home again

Getting out of bed yesterday was awful. I don't remember jet lag like that since I visted New Zealand in 2005. I feel less spaced today, and my sense of taste seems to have returned. Long haul really fucks with your mind and body.

So, wow, LA. People keep asking what it was like; was it what you expected? Kind of. I expected the writers and film guys and movie chat (which was fun). The people and the food and the things going on in the city are incredible; the place itself, a bit odd. I am used to London's busy flow of people. Everyone is in a car in LA. Public transport barely exists. I am lucky to know someone who was willing to show me around and take me to cool places. If you went on your own and without a car it would be pretty miserable.

Incredible things: watching Invasion of the Body Snatchers at the Hollywood Cemetery; Gogol Bordello at the Mayan Theatre (weird website); Anthropologie; Harold Lloyd silent shorts at the Cinefamily cinema; the Hollywood sign and the observatory building; the Korean BBQ truck (they gave us - three girls, admittedly - free food); the Cabazon Dinosaurs; the Ace Motel at Palm Springs; the iced coffee drinks at Koffi, also in Palm Springs; so much more... I'll write about some of it in more detail next time.

LA made me miss London, which was a shock. I have suddenly fallen in love with the city I live in.

Wednesday, 23 June 2010


LA is not like any other place I've ever been. I don't think I could ever live here.
I am not thin or cool enough, for a start.

(Determined to drop 10 pounds when I get home).

More when I return to the UK.

Tuesday, 15 June 2010


It has been a really tough two weeks. I am going away tomorrow for ten days, to stay with my amazing friend AL who I haven't seen in three years. I am excited though utterly exhausted, having spent last night at a ball in Cambridge that was boozy and wonderful and sparkly and full of music and dancing. I haven't seen him relax like that in so long and it was so good to just be together, happy.

When I come home I am hoping we can move away from the stress. He will have finished the piece of work that is causing so many headaches and travel always gives me perspective.

It will be very weird not to hear his voice. We talk every night. The time difference will make that impossible.

Saturday, 12 June 2010


I have felt terribly sad for about two weeks now. It is getting really wearing and I am scared I will not stop feeling like this.

I feel hurt, betrayed, unhappy, lost, uninspired, abandoned. There is no cure but time. Talking about it might help but I feel so utterly foolish, I cannot really bring myself to.

And this only makes it worse because spending time pretending I feel okay is exhausting.

Thursday, 3 June 2010


Quite without prompting I made my housemate a CD a few weeks ago. I also did the other housemate's laundry this morning, which prompted a guilt-fest about how I really should stop interfering with household tasks that aren't mine to do. Anyway. The CD was made in response to some music the first housemate was listening to. I labelled it "cool" music (note ironic quote marks) and made both housemates listen to it the night of the election while playing Scrabble and drinking wine. We are hip and urban, oh yes.

When I told my boyfriend what I'd done he got all pouty and wanted a CD of his own. I made him one, as one must always do with new other-halves, over a year ago, when we first got together. To my knowledge he has listened to it once, out of politeness. It is too "cool", I think. Anyway I am trying to make another but it is turning into a tour of my own musical history, rather than anything that features interesting new stuff I've bought recently. Any musical suggestions my dears?

Also - hello lawyer-person from Freshfields who found my blog through Google. That scared the life out of me until I remembered I haven't ever applied for Freshfields.

Sunday, 30 May 2010


The third anniversary of my fall sort of passed me by. I forgot all about it on the day, but I realised I'd missed it last week yet haven't written. It feels a bit false reflecting for the sake of it. Though that's often the way I spend time, thinking for the sake of thinking. Let's leave it, for now. The year has been wonderful. It has been full of change.

I am tired after the joys of Eurovision last night and I am at a bit of a loss as to how to tell you about the last few weeks. Since Easter life has got progressively more stressful and it isn't going to let up until the end of June. The next month might be pretty fucking miserable in patches, actually, but I have at least come to the conclusion that it won't RUIN EVERYTHING (with wringing of apron and mad stare) and that life will continue.

Also, June is full of amazing things to anticipate, so I will cease to be grumpy about the stress and just get a decent night's sleep and look forward to the bright moments.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

things I want to do (part i)

John Soane's house
the Dove pub in Hammersmith
rugby match at Twickenham (I've done this, but he hasn't)
Portobello Market (haven't been since I was sixteen, and I live twenty minutes away)
Bea's of Bloomsbury for afternoon tea (in my head it's a bit like a British Angelina's)
Gray's Market (antiques!)
catch the first tube home in the morning
yOyO at Notting Hill Arts Club on Thursday nights
go to Ginglik more
Tower of London/Crown Jewels
buy something in Liberty's

Monday, 3 May 2010


"Why do you have a post-it with be accountable on it?"
I hesitate. "Let me finish drying my hair."

How did I forget to take that down? I run my hands through my hair, heat delaying my response, thinking through how I'll explain it.

I switch off the hairdryer. "Well?"
"Well. I put on a few pounds since Christmas" I have, hardly anything but I don't want it to be the start of an upward trend "and I know you don't notice, but it's just there to remind me. Don't sit at your desk and eat rubbish."
His eyes on me I go to him.

Later we're eating an amazing lunch and sharing a bottle of white. They clear the main course and I lean close to him and say I don't know if you meant to make me feel lovely, earlier, but you did.

Oh, and how.

Thursday, 29 April 2010

this I know

I cannot seem to stay happy at the moment. I feel like I've dropped through a hole somewhere, like my steady mood has been forgotten on a shelf. I am not high then low, rather merely okay and then really, really not okay. I haven't felt like this in so long.

When I went to bed last night I had a headache and I couldn't sleep. I don't really know what's wrong other than of course, of couse it's linked to how difficult getting started in law is proving to be and of course I am fed up and yes, I am very dramatic about it. I am very bored of feeling like this.

I was in central London today, having left my Oyster card and ipod at home, not a good start. I wanted to cry as I walked from New Bond Street, up Regent Street, along Oxford Street, there for no real reason other than I couldn't stand the silence at home.

Wow, that's self-indulgent. I'm going to book my aeroplane tickets to LA.

Wednesday, 28 April 2010


We're on the telephone talking about the plans we have for the week. I have an interview the next day; he has a position to run for in the sailing team elections. I am tired but positive about the impending trip to another firm for another hour's tentative chat.

"I hope you get it." I say, after we've discussed what answers he'll give some silly questions they're going to ask.
"So do I. But I'd happily not take it if it meant you got the job."
And then my heart exploded.

Thursday, 22 April 2010

not watching the debate

Just made a curry type thing with the help of two gin and tonics. Recipe mainly stolen/inspired by Giles Coren's Esther ( writing it down so I might remember what I put in it next time:

large bunch coriander, long stalk bits cut off
half an onion, chopped
two fat garlic cloves
an inch of ginger, skinned and chopped
one mostly deseeded green chili, chopped
juice of a lime

half a tin of coconut milk
packet of cooked king prawns (160 ish g I think?)
handful mange tout
handful baby corn
noodles (for one)
sesame oil

first, make a big gin and tonic with a healthy squeeze of lime and lots of ice.

whizz everything on paste list in blender. heat some sesame oil in a wok. chuck lots of paste in. fry a bit. put prawns in wok. fry a bit more then add half a tin of coconut milk (or lots if you like it v saucy) and simmer while you clean up the blender and enormous mess you made by chopping stuff and opening coconut milk (if you are me).

sort out noodles however you need to (I got microwaveable ones, Sharwood I think) and boil kettle. Cook mange tout and baby corn. Strain these, get noodles out microwave. Put noodles and veg back in saucepan. add half the prawn/coconut mixture to your noodles and veg. Stir and heat a bit more. make another gin and tonic and enjoy in the setting sunshine at your kitchen table.

PS: the prawn/coconut mix will feed me for two days, but you could double the noodles/veg and mix it all together to serve.

Thursday, 15 April 2010


I am tired. I slept in the afternoon yesterday even though daytime napping is something I'm really not fond of.

Bit low. There are reasons I guess.

Monday, 12 April 2010


I did okay with the Lent writing, I guess. Better with the chocolate (er, barring Paris).

I started two short stories in the last week, though neither are more than a hundred words yet.

Back at college today. Seven weeks of teaching left, three exams and its all over. We went to Bristol on Friday to separate parties and I drank too much (and so did he) and as we drove up to the University I said it breaks my heart, being back here.

I am still tired from that night out because I am old and, as we agreed on waking from a long afternoon nap, very much not undergraduates any more.

That's alright.

Wednesday, 31 March 2010

I'm in Spain

"I brought you a present."
Dad proffers a pizza cutter. It has come free with wine. We already own three.
"No, thank you."
"Also there are some of these." Two wine coolers. Also free with alcohol.
"Er. You can buy those at home."
Later; I'm packing. He brings in eight steak knives. I put them in my bag, resigned.
(They did not come free with the wine).

Thursday, 25 March 2010

every little

Just had an e-mail from law college reminding us that Tesco are running a mock assessment centre next month. They have received very few applications so we're being urged to apply.

The reason no-one has applied is that this is a really, really stupid idea. I'm meant to waste my time filling out a moronic form for a MOCK interview? I'm supposed to compete for a PRETEND JOB? As if making applications for real training contracts wasn't time-consuming and tiring enough.


Thursday, 18 March 2010


Sorry about the absence. etc. I had a week off last week and spent most of it in the country, where the internet connection is erratic at best.

I'm not feeling quite with it at the moment though typically I cannot work out why.

Saw Avatar last night, which was a waste of three hours. EQ and I started sniggering uncontrollably in the last third. Terrible story, terrible script. Pretty multicoloured things, though; just had a text from AM I dreamt I was in a world of glowsticks last night.

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

let it go

This Too Shall Pass:

reminds me of something my Dad always says nothing really matters. and, in the end, nothing matters at all.

Monday, 8 March 2010


Things I ate:

2x chocolate almond croissants
1x other pastry with chocolate on it
1x Angelina's hot chocolate
1x Angelina's Mont Blanc
2x cheese omelettes
1x onion soup
1/2 small President camembert
2x bottles of champagne
1x brownie
chicken in rocket sauce with courgette and bechamel gratin
gorgeous bottle of Fleurie

and it was good.

Thursday, 4 March 2010


We are going, today! After my last exam(s)! It is good.

I forgot to post yesterday. I was packing. I have too many clothes bundled into my little suitcase. Boyfriend rang this morning while I was still in bed and I confessed to this. He fully supported the decision to take too much stuff because "it's nice to have choices" and this is why he is brilliant; even though it is clearly deranged to take eight dresses and two pairs of shoes and two jumpers and a skirt and and and etc for three days away he just says what he knows he should and everyone is happy.

Definitely not enough punctuation in that last sentence.

To revision! And making myself look chic and so on.

Tuesday, 2 March 2010


Three and a half hour exams are quite a killer. Too many numbers and a drafting question that didn't require you to draft anything. Perhaps didn't go as well as it might.

It's just gone eight but I'm going to take my make up off and go to bed. Really looking forward to a gym session tomorrow.

Monday, 1 March 2010

pretty lovely Ladytron-esque voice (though a bit younger and softer) and gorgeous sparkly electronic backing.
Overtones of Charlotte Gainsbourg and Bat for Lashes as well.

Yay for music. How is she not signed?

Sunday, 28 February 2010

bloody trains

Stuck in Cambridge due to trains being rubbish. Am actually just being rather dramatic but don't particularly want to go to Stansted airport on a bus in order to get back into London.

Have just made a Lego train, though not without some difficulty. Boyfriend, increduously: 'Rachel, it's for ages three and up.'
Had forgotten that Lego hurts your hands when you try and pull it apart.

Saturday, 27 February 2010


Jo Whiley (sp?) isn't any better or more relevant on her weekend show. Why do they let her persist? Surely she's Radio 2 material by now?

Didn't sleep well but off to Cambridge soon to see friends and forget about impending business law exam.

Friday, 26 February 2010


Another rejection from another job today.

Most times I'm fine with this I really am just not, today.

It's exam time and I've got a cold and I'm unhappy and FUCK.

Each rejection makes you stronger, blah.

Thursday, 25 February 2010


One of my recent history websites on Firefox is the BBC weather page. I am praying for good weather in Paris one week today; one week today I will be on the Eurostar with my boyfriend, hopefully slightly fuzzy from wine and the elation of exams being DONE.

In lawyerly news:
Some stuff got decided about assisted suicide today and now it's all supposed to make sense and so on but I'm not sure making motive the "key" helps in any way. I will write more about this but I'm really drinking too much wine in the evenings lately and it doesn't really help the clarity of writing.

Wednesday, 24 February 2010


I like the Radio Four Saturday play. I like a lot of Radio Four actually. Not the news (prefer to read it) or the drivelly comment shows or the programmes about wildlife, but the comedy and drama are pretty diverting. And The Archers, of course.*

Anyway. The last Saturday play was about Craig Murray. I didn't know who he was until I listened to the play, if I'm honest. He was a British ambassador to Uzbekistan before we invaded Iraq, where he came across some terrible abuses of human rights. He took it upon himself to help people. In the process he exposed the British government's complicity (the spell check thinks that's a word but I'm not sure) in the gathering of intelligence by torturing people. There's a lawyer in the play who actually defends this behaviour.

Now, it may be legally possible for the government to pass over their involvement. But the lawyer who allows that; how can he sleep? The law is cruel and clever, and those in a position of power can always manipulate it to avoid its devastation. But I could never do that. To support such awful illegality of anyone, let alone the group charged with leading this country, by telling them that it's okay, do what you want because the law lets you avoid morality; I couldn't do that.

This is incoherent, I realise, and I am going to attempt to work it up into something more. If nothing else it's helping me find a way to the kind of lawyer I want to be.

Saturday play here.

*I think that's a countryside thing. My Dad has always listened to it. It's more a reminder of home than anything.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010


I was going to write when I got in last night, but that wasn't til quite late and I'd had three glasses of wine and then my phone rang... etc.

Excuses. I also had an exam yesterday, which wasn't the best. I'm hard on myself.

I know I'm hard on others, too. I inherit this from my Dad, an expectation of sacrifice to get where you say you want to go. If you aren't willing to make the sacrifice, you don't want it enough.

To the gym! To snap out of it.

Sunday, 21 February 2010


One abortive attempt (he forgot something) and a successful walk to the tube stop later, I wander home alone to read through my notes for tomorrow's exam.

The men who had crowded the path at the traffic lights, drinking beer, are now being arrested. One of the police cars involved is missing a side mirror; an officer holds it and watches the men in handcuffs, heads ducked into the car.

Sure there's a good short story in there somewhere.

PS: forgot to post Friday and Saturday. Sorry.

Thursday, 18 February 2010

further stupidity

Only realised last weekend that what I'd always thought was just a weird potted plant on a pound coin is, in fact, a leek.

Wednesday, 17 February 2010


Useless things people said while playing Articulate last night:

"It's not a prawn."
[it was a shrimp].
"When something is put there to guide you to the incorrect answer, it's a red... come on, it's a type of fish..."
"Mullet! Red mullet"
"I don't know who this book is by... um, okay, first name of the title is the name of a guy I dated, we were talking about him earlier..."
"And the second name is... oh, you know, its famous..."
[when timer has run out] "Rachel, David Copperfield is by Dickens." (Victorian literature is something I tell people I enjoy in order to be precocious).

Okay, most of these useless things were things said by me. Grumble.

Monday, 15 February 2010


Rescuing a roasting chicken from the oven today I burned my arm on the wire shelf. Annoyingly its the slender part of my wrist, the natural resting place of my watch. Perhaps it will train my to wear it on the correct side (its always on the right).

Want to sleep but not sure I'll find it so easy, tonight. Overactive imagination (burned in more ways than this).

Sunday, 14 February 2010

v day #2

(last year here)

Today we went to the cinema in Cambridge and watched Breakfast at Tiffany's, which I've never seen but I did read, once; I'd forgotten it was Capote, it is too long ago. It was beautiful and because I woke feeling sad it was an antidote I needed, a salve to the mean reds only Holly Golightly can provide.

The day before he brings me cake and a flower and a pretty mug, and we cook and talk and finally I make a decision about what I'll do for Lent. I will write, every day, nothing much perhaps but I'll publish everything I type. I give him more words this year, my own, this time.

The train home is crowded and I spend the journey not quite sure of consciousness, hoping you realise how important words are, to me.

Sunday, 7 February 2010


I always delete my browser history (Firefox calls it Private Data, which I like) before my boyfriend comes for the weekend. At this stage in our relationship I'm really not sure why; he knows I read about food and fashion and celebrities. He knows where I watch porn. He knows this blog exists, though I don't think he reads it. He clears his own history before I visit, too.

He left today after a sunny weekend. The browser history I've got now reads as a map of the past few days, full of chocolate and brunch and the inevitable facebook stalk; a checking of e-mail and links to flights for August. A pleasing version of those research trails lawyers are so annoyingly fond of.


On another note - I know what's wrong with me, now. I had a wisdom tooth extracted at an emergency dentist appointment on Wednesday. I am much better already.

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

everyone says

Yoga was packed yesterday. Savasana isn't terribly relaxing when you're trying to avoid sticking your toe in your neighbour's ear.

In the summer following my first year of university I caught a horrible cough. I couldn't shift it and eventually it took me over. My energy levels plummeted and I quit my waitressing job. Though I went to the doctor a few times I refused to do anything much about it. Needles in the artery at the elbow raise panic in me.

I got better.

But I still get that feeling of fatigue, sometimes. It's not a physical tiredness. It isn't depression, either. It's a disconnect from the world, a feeling of being underwater with sounds and faces blurred by the rush of liquid. Nothing seems quite solid.

I've felt like that more frequently, lately. I get dizzy when walking, a head rush whenever I stand. I struggled horribly in yoga yesterday, fighting dehydration (it is certainly a cause) and an overwhelming sense of collapse.

Everyone says its anaemia, and they're probably right. I am good at ignoring my health. I never drink enough water and I don't eat much protein, let alone red meat. I do eat, though, I promise. My bruises take an age to heal; my scars rarely do. I have an injury from 10 October that still hasn't disappeared from my shin. But that's nothing unusual.

I'm not unhappy; far from it, despite the tedium of college (and the fact I'm listening to Eels). I'm just so very tired. Maybe it's boredom? I'm trying my best to alleviate that.

I guess I may have to get over the blood test thing.

Monday, 1 February 2010


Listening to two girls chat beside me in the awful dungeon of a cafe in college, talking about how they don't have time to do any job applications. Yet, bizarrely, neither of them have actually done the preparation for today's classes; what keeps them so busy, I wonder?

This course is not hard work. Watch a few hours of online lectures a week, read up on anything you're hazy about and make a stab at a basic prep task. Turn up to all your classes and you're in college for about ten hours a week.

If you can't cope with this, how on earth will you be a lawyer? Will you sulk when you're not allowed to go at half past five on the dot? Will you ignore the tasks your supervisor sets you in favour of the pub and then moan about what a bitch she is, how busy you are, doesn't she understand?

I know, I know, I'm arrogant. I'm struck equally by reassurance and fear; these girls aren't really competition in the job market, but then again I've met people just like them who are qualified lawyers.

Spanish class soon.

Thursday, 21 January 2010


We're moving house tomorrow. My room is nearly empty and you can see the patches of mould near the windows. Lucky buyer.

We're not going far. The new house is a good deal and has a back garden; luxury, in London.

The only thing I'm really sad to abandon is my oversized bed. My boyfriend is much taller than me and sleeps in a star shape, limbs seeming to multiply in the night.

No internet from tomorrow until Tuesday at least. Not that I was likely to post anyway, as you well know.

Monday, 18 January 2010


The girl to my left is called Svetlana. She's wearing a tartan skirt, and a different tartan v-neck sleeveless pullover. The girl on my right is Lydia, and is wearing earrings that have 'Oui' written on them. No, that may be a lie; I can only see one. She is also wearing knee socks and I like both of these girls immediately.

We play ice-breaker games that they always make you play in semi-formal situations, only we play them in Spanish. The teacher makes us say a word we know already. The only one I can think of is manteca, so I say it, and she looks amused. It means lard.

Telling a lawyer friend about the classes earlier in the day he is confused by why I'm taking them. You must have a thirst for knowledge, man in his perfect East London accent. When Svetlana asks the same question later I answer honestly something to do in the evenings and she laughs and agrees. She also makes reference to the bars around the college and I'm pretty sure I'm going to make some friends, here.

Thursday, 14 January 2010


I've not been to bed before 1am for the past week. Not sure why, really.

Woke up this morning to some news that tweaked that horrible emotional pulley that develops in your throat when you haven't slept enough. Attach any weight and the tears flood out.

Nothing more to say. Just tired and missing certain people so very much.

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

definitely january

So I've resolved to get more involved. My brain feels like its dying; I do next to no work for this course and my results are very good. That's not intended as a boast, more an indication of just how basic the tasks are.

Spanish classes start on Monday night. I've joined a book group that meets every month and found a couple of free events to attend in the coming weeks. I'm just starting to like London.

I am also going to attempt to eliminate artificial sweeteners from my diet, though probably not until Lent rolls around. That sounds horribly organic and smug. It means giving up Diet Coke and sugar-free squash. I've rather lost my taste for the former.

Related: the gym is busy, even in the dead mid morning hours. Uncomfortable people in clothes meant for gardening stare warily at the machines. Just reminds me of me, aged sixteen. I've been asked two questions about the gym while mostly naked in the changing room this week. Demonstrating how a locker works without a bra on must fit into some fetish category, somewhere.

Saturday, 2 January 2010


We're all pretending to be grown up and having a dinner party. As EQ points out, student food (shepherds pie and peas) slopped onto plates is only a dinner party by virtue of the fact that we're all in black tie. I've even got my hair up, braids pinned at the nape of my neck.

He looks so good, stubble and a dinner jacket.
After Big Ben chimes we're on the sofa, talking. We talk more when we get home, in bed, my head on his shoulder. I am not good at this, this talking, but fuelled by cheap fizz I do my best.

He looks impossibly better the next morning, dress shirt with sleeves rolled to the elbows and pyjama bottoms. We make breakfast for welcome guests and spend the day asleep.

Happy New Year. Thank you for reading.