this I know

I cannot seem to stay happy at the moment. I feel like I've dropped through a hole somewhere, like my steady mood has been forgotten on a shelf. I am not high then low, rather merely okay and then really, really not okay. I haven't felt like this in so long.

When I went to bed last night I had a headache and I couldn't sleep. I don't really know what's wrong other than of course, of couse it's linked to how difficult getting started in law is proving to be and of course I am fed up and yes, I am very dramatic about it. I am very bored of feeling like this.

I was in central London today, having left my Oyster card and ipod at home, not a good start. I wanted to cry as I walked from New Bond Street, up Regent Street, along Oxford Street, there for no real reason other than I couldn't stand the silence at home.

Wow, that's self-indulgent. I'm going to book my aeroplane tickets to LA.

preparation

We're on the telephone talking about the plans we have for the week. I have an interview the next day; he has a position to run for in the sailing team elections. I am tired but positive about the impending trip to another firm for another hour's tentative chat.

"I hope you get it." I say, after we've discussed what answers he'll give some silly questions they're going to ask.
"So do I. But I'd happily not take it if it meant you got the job."
And then my heart exploded.

not watching the debate

Just made a curry type thing with the help of two gin and tonics. Recipe mainly stolen/inspired by Giles Coren's Esther (reciperifle.blogspot.com)... writing it down so I might remember what I put in it next time:

paste:
large bunch coriander, long stalk bits cut off
half an onion, chopped
two fat garlic cloves
an inch of ginger, skinned and chopped
one mostly deseeded green chili, chopped
juice of a lime

and:
half a tin of coconut milk
packet of cooked king prawns (160 ish g I think?)
handful mange tout
handful baby corn
noodles (for one)
sesame oil

first, make a big gin and tonic with a healthy squeeze of lime and lots of ice.

then:
whizz everything on paste list in blender. heat some sesame oil in a wok. chuck lots of paste in. fry a bit. put prawns in wok. fry a bit more then add half a tin of coconut milk (or lots if you like it v saucy) and simmer while you clean up the blender and enormous mess you made by chopping stuff and opening coconut milk (if you are me).

sort out noodles however you need to (I got microwaveable ones, Sharwood I think) and boil kettle. Cook mange tout and baby corn. Strain these, get noodles out microwave. Put noodles and veg back in saucepan. add half the prawn/coconut mixture to your noodles and veg. Stir and heat a bit more. make another gin and tonic and enjoy in the setting sunshine at your kitchen table.

PS: the prawn/coconut mix will feed me for two days, but you could double the noodles/veg and mix it all together to serve.

grey

I am tired. I slept in the afternoon yesterday even though daytime napping is something I'm really not fond of.

Bit low. There are reasons I guess.

review

I did okay with the Lent writing, I guess. Better with the chocolate (er, barring Paris).

I started two short stories in the last week, though neither are more than a hundred words yet.

Back at college today. Seven weeks of teaching left, three exams and its all over. We went to Bristol on Friday to separate parties and I drank too much (and so did he) and as we drove up to the University I said it breaks my heart, being back here.

I am still tired from that night out because I am old and, as we agreed on waking from a long afternoon nap, very much not undergraduates any more.

That's alright.