update of sorts

I'm still here, lurking (not sure you can lurk on your own blog, though).

I'm sick after a month of dodging the flu going around the office, sick on my day off, sick for the weekend I was meant to be in Edinburgh. Of course I am.

I am terrible at taking time to rest, so, today, I have forced myself to do it. Sofa, blanket, TV, laptop. My job is quite demanding in terms of hours and brain power, though nothing as mad the time and energy my lawyer friends put in at their offices. I'm looking forward to the Christmas break.

I have enjoyed it though, for the most part. There are days that are beyond miserable, but that's true of any job, any life. I am not a corporate girl in the long run, that much is clear, but I guess I knew that, anyway.

So much else has happened that I can't talk about yet. But the thing that has emerged more than anything in the last three months is that I need to take more time for myself; I need to write more, if I am ever going to be anything I'm proud to be. And, I need to take more time to be with my friends.

Merry Christmas. It's unlikely I'll check in before then, as we know.

the thing is

By Ellen Bass

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

here we go

The first two days of work have been full of new faces and new rules to learn. It's Big School all over again.

I haven't been very well.

new

I start my job on Monday. I am not sure I am supposed to write on the internet, any more.

I saw Miss McG today. South Kensington is a strange place, for me. One of my favourite weekends in London since I've lived here was spent at the Natural History museum (probably my favourite museum building), visiting the Darwin centre and skating on the ice rink. I didn't fall until we clambered out of our skates, slipping on a metal ramp. He still has the tickets pinned to his board, above his desk. I remember what I wore; checked skirt, warm jumper, furry hat.

Today we arrived too late for museums, so settled for coffee swamped with chocolate. September is a nostalgic month for me; for many, I think. It is five years since I went to university.

I am home alone, drinking red wine, remembering.

chill

Brr. It feels like autumn crept in while I was in the gym this morning. I have a jumper and slippers on. I find it weird when the weather gets like this before my birthday; the August bank holiday is still summer, really.

But! It is going to be 40 degrees in Spain on Friday, so says the BBC.

I'm so sleepy. Want to eat junk food and watch rubbish on TV under a blanket. Definitely caused by this weird weather.

look up and on

We are finally going on holiday on Thursday. And! I have a job to return to in September! And I am listening to Kurran and the Wolfnotes (as recommended by superfiona, hurrah for good music) and it is sunny (probably only for two minutes but oh, well).

Sunday night I drank too much on an empty stomach. This summer has been quite wine fuelled. I'm cutting back. I want to shift the five pounds I've gained, le sigh, from the increased partying and decreased gym time. This kind of happens automatically when term time rolls around again (does it ever stop feeling like "back to school"?) but I'm not often patient with weight loss.

Lots of admin to do for my new job. Glad all the necessary paperwork arrived before I go away.

tight

Wow, I am tired. I don't think I've slept really well in weeks. My shoulders are so tense.

Wrote a much longer post about stress but I can't publish it. I am feeling pretty crap. I am not sure what happens next.

Three weeks until we go away.